Who am I and how did I get here?
Well, I am a 30-something wife and mom. I have lead an active and fairly healthy lifestyle for the past 15 years or so. In fact, I was always active in high school, never had any weight issues and then when I turned 21 and discovered the night life, I packed on about 60 lbs instantly. When I was 24, I decided enough was enough. I cut out all fast food and walked for an hour every night after work. Then I met my husband and moved to Milwaukee. It was here that I discovered my love of running and lifting weights. I had lost about 30 lbs prior to moving here, and then lost an additional 20 by running, lifting weights and attending weight watchers meetings, and being strict with my plan.
Fast forward a couple of years and I got pregnant with my son. Wouldn't you know it, despite my best efforts (meaning I stayed active, but lets be real.... I was eating for 2...hundred, right!) I put on those same 60 lbs. I have hardly any pictures from when I was pregnant. I was mad at myself and embarrassed. My husband has several younger cousins, and the ones that have had kids all remained trim and cute. I looked like a old lady; a beached whale.
Anyway, as soon as my son was born, I started walking with him daily. At about 5 weeks, I started back at the gym, walking on the treadmill and lifting light weights. The weight came right off and I went on my merry way.... I got serious about my running and ran 3 half marathons. I was dedicated to my 5 am gym workouts. I was feeling good, and fairly confident.
Then 2015 came along..... They year started out just fine. Than in March, I received some very exciting news. I had a long lost brother. How awesome! We hit it off and have been close ever since. But not even 2 weeks after finding this out, my husband was attacked, robbed and car jacked at a gas station right near our house. Thankfully, he was ok. but how awful. On top of that, it happened while our son and I were on an airplane traveling to Arizona. 6 weeks later, we received news that my company was dissolving. Crap. I was making a decent wage, and working from home. Thank God I had finished my college degree a few years earlier. I started my job search immediately, and was offered a great job with a great company close to home. I was so excited! I went in for both a drug screen and a mammo on the same day.
The next day, the mammo came back suspicious, thrusting us in to a scary and uncertain world. Testing, ultrasounding, MRI-ing, more biopsying, and then finally a diagnostic lumpectomy. It came back as non cancerous. PHEW. A week after my lumpectomy, I started my dream job. Only by day 2 to realize it was not my dream job. The boss, who I had come to love from all my interviewing, and we emailed regularly, was a micro managing nut. It was not the job she'd told me about in my interview. Well, it was. Except I had no creative freedom. I had to do things exactly how she did them. Even though we all know, we learn and do things differently to get to the same outcome. Pretty much every day I was sending a distressful email to my mom and sister, and crying on the phone to my best friend. I hated it. I'd pull in in the morning and see her car and my day would be tanked already.....
This put me into a deep depression. I felt like, if I can't do this job, how on earth will I be able to parent, be a friend, be a wife.. sister, daughter... I felt so unlike me. My self-confidence spiraled to NOTHING. I couldn't even get together with my friends for a friendly game of cards against humanity. I felt like everyone was laughing at me for the card I threw in. Not at my card. at ME. I felt like a failure. I would try to exercise and it was like, who am I? I can't do this!
Last December, I made the decision to leave after the new year. Come hell or high water, I was out of there. I had taken my boss's abuse for 5 months, and that was enough. I ended up taking a job with a hospital billing department. While I loved the team, it was a substantial pay cut. We knew it was temporary, as I had hopes of moving up the ladder. However, then I found out it was a 6 month wait before you could apply for something else, and they were very slow to move on things. At this point, I'd developed serious anxiety and depression. I sat at my desk in just a constant state of ruminating thoughts and panic. It was horrible. I decided I couldn't wait out the 6 months and began a job search. After a couple of months, I have landed my dream job, with my dream company.
As a result of all of this, I am about 40 lbs heavier than ever. I feel like I was just going through the motions. How sad. Last night, I joined Weight Watchers again. They've reformatted their plan, and the meeting style.
This is the beginning. I am GOING to do this. I want to lose 50 lbs, but I am going to focus on 5-10 lb increments. I am slowly getting ME back. I miss me. The me who used to laugh and enjoy life... where is she? I miss her.
My first meeting felt like such a great support group. I loved it. I am excited to go back for more. And to keep updating this blog. Pictures and more to come soon!